after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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