I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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