you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
