She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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