you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
