My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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