I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
