This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
