Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
