Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
