My Higher Power is John Stamos
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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