she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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