stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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