Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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