You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is my gift to your gina
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
