Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
