Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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