Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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