I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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