he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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