I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
