Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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