I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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