if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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