Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
