i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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