i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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