Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
as a side note pls kill me
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
