my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
