next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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