I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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