did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
