That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Floor bacon is actually really good
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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