I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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