I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
