On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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