the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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