FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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