I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
