I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
