Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
