Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
