I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
