tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
