I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
