if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
