I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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