Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
