we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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