put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
