So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
