I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
