it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
