The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
false alarm. still invincible.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
