I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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